The stillness of the night is broken only by the sound of the waves breaking against the shore. A stray car occasionally makes a louder noise. It's total darkness, the cold air penetrates my nostrils and lungs strongly leaving a cold feeling deep inside my soul. I am alone with my thoughts and try to make order and cleanliness in them.
I find it quite hard to let go of the thoughts that torment me so much. I always try to write only nice things, to always see the good side of things and to take only what is good. But not always only good things happen, not always everything is beautiful. I've talked about the beautiful side of being a carer, I've talked about what it means for me personally to be a carer, but I've never talked about the slightly more pleasant side, I've never talked about death.
A very sensitive subject, death. How could I talk about death when I personally said that we should always think positive, that would be to contradict myself. A cold shiver runs down my spine just thinking about death. It's as if the sea itself moved at hearing that word, and yet we have to talk about death too, and it's part of our job, and it's part of our everyday life.
To give you a better understanding of why I have decided to talk so somberly this evening, I will try to briefly relate an event of today.
After a long day of visits here comes the time of my last visit.My last visit today and I can go home to rest, I tell myself quietly. Being tired, but at some point fatigue catches up with you, impossible not to, I said to myself my last visit, an easy visit and finish the day as it started, with good.
Sometimes what you want is not what happens. I knock on the door, open the door, say hello and stop. A dark smell hits me full on, it's dark, only the TV can be heard from the other room. I call out the patient's name and after several attempts a voice answers from the other room. I go to him and say hello again and ask how he is.
- Who are you? A scream wakes me up.
- I'm your Mr. Carer for this evening, I've come to provide you with everything you need.
- At this hour? I don't want anything at this hour, get out of my house.
The swearing and the bad words kept coming out of his mouth without ceasing. For the moment I stopped, just stared at him and tried to understand what was going on. A gentleman in his seventies, in a subdued chair, with an oxygen mask over his face and a lost look on his face was throwing words at me like arrows that were piercing me relentlessly.
Trying to calm him down I got into a conversation with him, I don't know from where, but an absurd calmness from nowhere hit me. We talked a lot and I understood why he was so nervous. I understood why this gentleman, very nice had a lost look on his face and why he was taking his nerves out on me. It had nothing to do with me, it could have been anyone else, it had nothing to do with the time, it could have been any other time, it had everything to do with him.
As I always do, after I finished everything I had to do, I asked him how he was feeling, just to start a dialogue with him and get his story.
At that point his darling started crying. Tears ran down his cheek without ceasing, he sobbed endlessly and words wouldn't come out of his mouth.
And now in this dark gloom of the night I see his face full of tears, and now in the stillness of the night as if with the sound of the waves breaking on the shore I hear his sobs.
I took his hand and began to talk to him. He squeezed my hand and with a voice that breaks your heart he said:
- I've been told I don't have long to live.
Simple, dry, banal. At that moment I was speechless. A lump stopped right in my throat, I repeated his words in my mind.
It's never been easy to lose a patient. I had many end of life cases and each time I lost a piece of myself with each patient lost. But now everything was different, now this man was really suffering because without realizing it his journey in this life was coming to an end. I listened, I refrained from crying on his shoulder, I held his hand tightly and didn't let go. We talked for a long time, I didn't even realize when the time passed so quickly. We managed to get closer and talk more. He started to tell me more about his life, the smile came back on his face and the joy of the conversation was in his eyes.
Sometimes it's good just to listen. Your silence strengthens the one next to you. Always listen, speak only when you feel you need to speak, when they feel you need to speak.
We are simp travellers on the waves of life. Sometimes we float sometimes we sink, the important thing is to always rise to the surface, not to drown, not to give in.